I am probably one of the worst people to talk to when it comes to handle depression. Perhaps because I have built a mantra of not trying to be bitter for things that I cannot change.
I am not one who you can rely on to for a long-lasting relationship. Ever since I had my heart broken about 10 years ago (geez, I'm old), I have learned how to handle relationships casually. I try not to fall too hard. My 4-year-long heartbreak definitely affected the way I view relationships. It's like that oft-retweeted quote about how someone used to be so sweet and warm could turn into someone so cold and distant.
I am not that distant but I have had my share of affairs perhaps because I am not as committed as I originally intended to be. In fact nothing much has changed. Much of the attitude that I have imposed on life just came out naturally. I appear cold and distant because I am almost terrified of human interaction. I appear like I hold on too much to myself because I really hold on too much to myself. I am not suplada though contrary to what I have often been told. Perhaps I am not that comfy about opening up. It even reflected with the way I talk. Every time I talk to friends, I always need to repeat myself because I don't open my mouth wide enough to be heard and understood.
My reputation at school can be referred to as okay. In fact, I eventually realized that I am feared not because I am a bully but because I am weird. Too weird to be taken seriously as an object of affection. I am one of those girls that boys don't talk to because they sensed that my suplada aura is not a front or a sign to challenge boys to woo me. It's not a facade. I am one of the girls viewed as too suplada to be taken in for a joke.
It wasn't my intention to be viewed that way. I preferred to think that while I don't mind being your friend, romantic intentions are not welcome either. People are nice to me as I am to nice but never too nice to one another that some agendas are questioned.
No wonder I fell hard in love when I was 17 years old. Someone took the extra mile to be nice to me and I mistook it for love. Maybe because I liked him too and never thought that he's just being nice.
Ever since I realized that he is nice to me simply because he is nice to everyone else (and it's my friend that ended up as his girlfriend). I became extra careful of anyone being extra nice to me.
I often kept my guard up and slightly worsened my lisp. There are even instances where I refused to talk. It reached a point that I only talk to a guy if I liked him and read the signals wrong. I had misplaced aggression just because of the fear that I'd grow old alone and inexperienced. It was a distorted view on life as a person. The misplaced aggression that I am referring to is about how I handle my feelings towards men that I liked. And I think I got them traumatized too. Thank God that they have forgiven me now. (They know who they are if ever they came across this blog)
My most recent relationship proved that I still am capable of falling hard for a man. And I consider that my most traumatizing relationship as of yet. Sorry if I have to stop here now about that.
I just don't learn. I just don't learn. I keep falling perhaps because falling in love is fun and getting hurt is the risk of doing so. It's also a mantra that I believe in life.
I believe in life (that even if I haven't gotten rid totally of my depression yet) that in whatever that you do, living life in a way that makes you happy is worth living. I still believe that life is an adventure and getting out of your comfort zone is still worth the obstacle, hatred and pain that you go through in your pursuit of happiness. I've done a lot of stupid decisions in life, mostly when it comes to my lovelife but I have no regrets. In fact, I hate regrets. At the same time, I have decided to try to change myself and improve my appearance, the way I dress and the way I handle attention given to me. I am not an attention whore (contrary to how you perceive me if you read my Twitter timeline). I am very comfortable to blend in the crowd and be a wallflower. But I make it a point to be a friend - someone who doesn't judge you nor tell you what to do until you ask me to. I will never be perfect but I do what I can to be a better person.
Have I become an outgoing person now? Maybe, I do what I can to be myself and not be some KSP or ill-dressed person. Kumbaga, natuto na ako makiramdam. It works that way most of the time. I don't have regrets. I still don't.
I still gets into bouts with depression, just like now. I was raised in a culture where psychiatrists are not exactly the persons to go to when you're getting depressed or whenever you're sad and can't put a reason to it. While I don't believe that people can't be sad without a reason, some people still get sad becasue it's the mindset that they have come to live with. It's like some comfort zone that comes with the elephant in the room. It's weird but there are some things in life we keep on doing without the need to be logical simply because it makes us happy. Actually being happy itself has reached a point of being inexplainable. You just feel it whenever it strikes you.
Do I need a reason to be depressed? No. That's why I chose to be happy whenever the opportunity strikes. It usually comes when you least expect it.
No comments:
Post a Comment